7 Guests you’ll find at Every Maltese Wedding

1. The underage cousins

They’re so young and sweet that drinking still seems like a cool and very grown-up thing to do – let alone drinking proper cocktails that they don’t have to pay for that doesn’t come in a plastic pint glass from Big G’s in Paceville. They end up glued to the bar, ordering strawberry margarita after pina colada until the DJ plays something they actually like. You better hope there’s some Justin, Zayn or Taylor on his playlist.

2. The sloshed uncle

How is it possible that this guy is pushing 60 and still hasn’t figured out that five whiskies in quick succession = disaster? He’s two seconds away from clambering on stage with the band, belting out a slurred version of My Way and passing out. However, his stomach rebels just in time and he has to leg it to the bathroom to avert the crisis.

3. The over-emotional bridesmaid

She’s one of the bride’s best friends but she just broke off her own engagement and her heart is still wounded or she’s been single for a while and a wedding sets off all the deepest darkest fears of being #foreveralone. She keeps hugging the bride and telling her how happy she is for her, even though she’s crying profusely and her waterproof mascara really isn’t holding up its end of the bargain. The gin and tonics aren’t helping her in this sorry state either. Maybe sit the next round out, hun. Oh and switch Tinder OFF.

4. The sleazy groomsman

Basically this guy has seen way too many episodes of How I Met Your Mother, thinks he’s Malta’s answer to Barney Stinson, and agreed to be a groomsman mostly because he wants to achieve his fantasy of getting laid by a bridesmaid. Stay away, especially if you’re the above – he’ll be waiting to pounce when you’re at your most vulnerable.

5. The traditional grandma

The ceremony was too short, the music is too loud and all the fancy schmancy food on the menu is just too much for her (Nitrogen cocktails? Sushi? A cake that’s not even iced all the way through? Whatever happened to pastizzi and zebbug mimli?) But as soon as she hears the first few bars of Xemx, her face will be wreathed in smiles. Iva, lilek irrid!

6. The painfully smug couple

They either don’t know the couple very well or they’re ‘frenemies’, so they spend half the wedding peering down their noses, either smirking about how they didn’t do this tacky thing at their wedding (if they’re already married) or making snide remarks about how they won’t be doing this tacky thing (if their wedding is still on the way.) Why didn’t they just stay home?

7. The random

He looks like he barely knows any of the other guests and as soon as the bride and groom are in view, he’s nowhere to be seen. Who is this guy? Is he a gate crasher? The bride’s ex? The groom’s second-cousin twice removed who he had a terrible falling out with, now seeking to make amends? Nobody knows.