The wrong approach to dating

“Most people approach dating in the wrong way.  They do their best to get the second date, and third, etc. This pressure sometimes makes them do their best to be liked, omitting parts of their personality that they believe might lead to them being rejected. Eventually, their true colours start coming out and that's when they feel betrayed that their partner is not who they said they are. This turns into an ongoing argument which unfortunately damages the relationship and potentially the individuals making it. 

On the other hand, others choose to be who they really are and this helps both the individuals make a choice about moving on with a relationship or not. These might have fewer relationships, but a chance of a lasting one as they made a decision based on the truth. 

Others get into a relationship with a set idea of what they want, usually someone to replace their ex, and will try to mould their current partner into a replica of that former partner. As a result, their partner will feel frustrated, not accepted, and hurt by this.”

The importance of honesty

“Some people were brought up with such a rigid view of the world that they think that something is either good or bad, black or white, and cannot understand that there is more than one good way of living life, so they try and force the only way they know onto the other person. With a lot of patience and discussions, these people might be able to realise that there is more than one good way of living one's life. 

However, the more one values the thing they differ from their partner about, the bigger the pressure for them to change. For example, a very religious person will find it extremely difficult to be with someone who is atheist. Slowly they might come to realise that not being religious does not make one a bad person as they can still live by the same core principles and values.”  

How do you reconcile your differences?

“One way is by being honest about how important their way of doing things is and then put it in the context of the whole relationship. Ask yourself: Can I live with someone who wears striped trousers with spotted shirts? If I absolutely can't, is my partner open to the idea of not combining stripes and spots? If they are not and I can't live with someone like that, we might have to let go of the relationship and each other. If, on the other hand, you choose to stay, you can't waste your energy trying to change each other because the decision was made.  There are things we need to learn to live with and admit that we do not agree about.”

Be in it for the right reasons

“Being in a loving relationship is about exploring another person and liking them so much that you just can't live without them, not because you’re at that age or because all your friends are. If we enter relationships because we're of the right age, or because we're feeling lonely, chances are that we’ll try to change our partner to fit our ideal much more. If, on the other hand, we enter relationships because we love most things about our partners, we have a better chance of accepting them the way they are.

There will always be things you do not agree on and the best way of dealing with these is to accept that there are things in your relationship that you do not see eye to eye on. Putting pressure on your partner to change can be perceived as controlling, arrogant and patronising.”